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I believe with ever fiber in me that Christians are commanded to live in deep community. Most everyone will say “amen” until they run into the natural byproduct of living in deep community—equally deep sin. Sin has always been community’s natural enemy. Just think on Genesis 3 for a moment and you will track with me. Therefore, if we are going to be a gospel-centered community we must develop biblical ways to deal with the aftermath of fellow Christians sinning against each other. This is often caledl restoration or reconciliation. I have been meaning to write something on the steps towards reconciliation but have been dragging my feet. It was through the gentle prodding of my friend Mark McClure that I felt moved to put this together. Before starting, my thinking is in this area has been greatly refined in thanks to pastor Doug Wilson’s must-read book Reforming Marriage.
I will start by saying that true reconciliation is an extremely rare bird. I think the easiest way for me to explain this is through a hypothetical situation. Our scenario plays out in the Doe Family’s living room. John has just raced home from a hard day’s work to watch a basketball game. A smiley Jane walks out to the living room just as her “focused” husband sinks into viewing position on their loveseat.
Jane: Hey you! How are you?
John: Hey, what’s up? (Just barely glancing at her)
Jane: So, did you know that our cell phone plan just went up. I called today to pay it because we were past due and they said it was going to be $80 extra every month starting this month.
John: Uh huh.
Jane: They said there will be an interruption in service if we don’t pay it before tomorrow.
John: Yeah.
Jane: Soooo…Should I just pay it or do you want to talk to them first?
John: Sure.
Jane: John, are you listening to me? I need to know what you want me to do.
John: Sweetie, I just got home from a crazy day at the office! I’ve been looking forward to this game all day long. And, here you are nagging me? Come on! Can’t I escape your constant chatter for a couple minutes? I’ll take care of it later. Why do you have to be such a dripping faucet?
Jane stomps off disgusted at John’s attitude. He continues to watch the game but during half-time he starts to feel guilty. He realizes that he needs to apologize to Jane. John lifts off the couch and walks into the bedroom to reconcile with his wife.
John: Jane, I’m really sorry. Work really stressed me out today. I was just worn out and a needed a few minutes to get my bearings. I didn’t really mean it when I said you were a nag. I’ll call the phone company right now.
Jane: Its okay. I know you didn’t mean it. Let’s just put it behind us and make the most of what is left of the evening.
There has not been any reconciliation here whatsoever. John did not confess or repent of his sin. Moreover, Jane did not forgive him of his sin. Say, what? Pay careful attention to what is and is not being said.
Let us start our examination with our scenario’s antagonist, John. He eventually does realize that he needs to apologize but that is about all he gets right. Pastor Doug Wilson writes:
“Once we realize that confession is necessary, we still must learn how to confess and apologize. Tragically, may who need to apologize to their spouses for numerous offenses do not do anything more than hint around the edges.” pg. 70
This is exactly the problem with John. He says he is sorry but for what? All he says is that he was stressed out and tired. This is really just an excuse for his sin. He is saying that he only acted that way because he was under extenuating circumstances. In other words, John never really takes responsibility for having a wicked and rude attitude towards his wife. The real John would never act that way towards his better half.
The natural question would be why then does Jane forgive her husband after such fraudulent apology? Is it because Jane is just an amazingly forgiving and loving wife? I do not think so. Once again, I think Pastor Wilson puts his finger on what is actually happening here. He explains:
“The other person often goes along with the charade because he does not know how to extend true forgiveness any more than the one who sinned knows how to apologize. Forgiveness presupposes genuine wrongdoing. The difficulty is that we have a hard time forgiving genuine wrongdoing. This why people apologize as though the “real me” was not the culprit…This is relatively easy to forgive because the other person didn’t mean it. But sin can only be forgiven when the person did mean it—it is then sin, and can be forgiven.” pg. 71
Ah, do you see what is actually going on? Jane never really forgives her husband. All she does is excuse and minimalize her husband’s sin. She says it is okay that he treated her as he did base upon him not really meaning it. However, this is not true. First, John did mean it. There is only one John. He was not possessed by some demon. The devil did not make him do it. It was he selfish nature that is to be blamed. Second, sin is never okay. God does not think it was okay. Matter of fact, it is “so not okay” that God poured his wrath out unto Jesus because of John’s sin. Jane is going along with this façade because she does not want to believe that her husband is that evil. This is actually most likely a reflection of what she believes about her own nature. Moreover, she does not want to have to depend on the cross as her only empowering means of forgiveness. She is quite fine with just sweeping all of this under the rug. This “type” of reconciliation solves nothing. It will, in time, lead to an even larger problem as resentment builds up under the surface.
What should have happened? I submit the following as an example of true reconciliation:
John: Jane, I’m really sorry. I sinned against you and God. My attitude was completely unwarranted and despicable. I called you a nag because the game was more important to me than you. I need your forgiveness. Will you please forgive me?
Jane: Yes, I forgive you.
That is true reconciliation. It is not easy but God will empower us to do so as we humble ourselves before the cross of Christ.
I have found these following words of A.W. Pink to very true the more I walk with God. I think his last paragraph is particularly true. Read on…
Some of God’s dear people may suppose that it would be presumptuous to set themselves up as judges of what they hear or read—but that is a serious mistake, being both a false humility, and a shirking of duty. The Apostle rebuked the Hebrews because their senses (spiritual faculties) were not developed so as to discern between good and evil (Hebrews 5:13).
It is often a long time before God’s children are able to account for this. They blame themselves; they are exceedingly loath to say, “This message is not of God.” They are afraid to act in the spiritual, as they do in the natural, and condemn and discard that which is worthless.
“Take heed what you hear” and read! More than forty years ago the saintly Adolph Saphir wrote, “I think the fewer books we read—the better. It is like times of cholera, when we should only drink filtered water.” What would he say if he were on earth today and glanced over the deadly poison sent forth by the heterodox, and the lifeless rubbish put out by the orthodox? Christian reader, if you value the health of your soul, cease hearing and quit reading all that is lifeless, unctionless, powerless, no matter what prominent or popular name be attached thereto. Life is too short to waste valuable time on that which does not profit. Ninety-nine out of every hundred of the religious books, booklets, and magazines now being published, are not worth the paper on which they are printed!
To turn away from the lifeless preachers and publishers of the day—may involve a real cross. Your motives will be misconstrued, your words perverted, and your actions misinterpreted. The sharp arrows of false report will be directed against you. You will be called proud and self-righteous, because you refuse to fellowship empty professors. You will be termed censorious and bitter—if you condemn in plain speech—the subtle delusions of Satan. You will be dubbed narrow-minded and uncharitable, because you refuse to join in singing the praises of the “great” and “popular” men of the day. More and more, you will be made to painfully realize—that the path which leads unto eternal life is “narrow” and that FEW there are who find it. May the Lord be pleased to grant unto each of us—the hearing ear and obedient heart! “Take heed what you hear” and read!
Now, I do want to give one disclaimer and I hope it won’t invalidate the insight of Pink’s words. Pink eventually got to the point where he gave up on finding a church that he could be a member. It can be quite easy to use “discernment” as an excuse to divide yourself from Christian fellowship. We can become like Elijah who thought he was the only prophet not compromised by worship of false gods.We all know God’s answer to the inward-focussed prophet. So, take heed to the Pinks’s words given here but remember there is no such thing as a completely pure church. Be both discerning and gracious. For more on Pink, including a frank critque ofhis eventual inability to be part of a church fellowship, readers should get a hold of Iain Murray’s Biography of Pink.
I would like to share this quote regarding the proclamation of the gospel that I found to be quite stirring today:
“There is a tendency in some quarters today to promote a kind of evangelism without proclamation. Acts of service are done or people are invited to experience Christian worship. But without words of explanation these are like signposts pointing nowhere or, worse still, signposts pointing to our good works. The gospel is good news: a message to be proclaimed, a truth to be taught, a word to be spoken and a story to be told. The gospel is good news: a message to be proclaimed, a truth to be taught, a word to be spoken and a story to be told.”- Total Church
